


and i swore to never speak a word again

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, Writer AU, iwaizumi rolls his eyes a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-10
Updated: 2016-09-10
Packaged: 2018-08-14 05:57:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8001061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tooru Oikawa is the best-selling author of a number of romance novels. Hajime Iwaizumi is going to narrate the audiobook for Oikawa’s newest novel.</p><p>The only problem is, the book is awful, and Iwaizumi is the only person who sees it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and i swore to never speak a word again

Iwaizumi was not the type of person who’d go around bragging about himself, but he knew what he was good at. He was a voice actor - and he’d say he was probably above average, if you had to rank them. Certainly, he wouldn’t be coming close to outdoing Norio Wakamoto any time soon, but he was confident about where he stood.

Which was why Iwaizumi had to wonder why his agent had chosen to hurt him like this.

“You’ll be narrating Tooru Oikawa’s new book,” said Matsukawa, over the phone.

Tooru Oikawa. Yes, he had heard of him. He was a popular author among readers who liked their novels half-assed and schmaltzy. He had written a lot of novels - Iwaizumi couldn’t remember the exact number - including _Only a Dentist, The Warrior’s Romance,_ and _The Astronaut’s Marriage._

Iwaizumi believed that these books belonged at the bottom of a recycling bin, but apparently they had sold enough to create a demand for audiobooks. For people who were so lacking in shame that they would listen to _Through the Stars_ or _Deceive Me, Desert Me_ while cleaning dishes, driving to work, or performing surgery.

Iwaizumi wanted to cry.

“You’re not doing this just to annoy me, are you?” he asked.

“I don’t see why you’d have any issues with recording this,” said Matsukawa cheerfully. “I mean, it might be the trashiest book in existence, but a job’s a job. And considering how well he’s selling, this is practically an honour.”

“It doesn’t feel like it.”

“Just think about your bank account!”

Iwaizumi frowned. “Why was I chosen for this book, anyways?”

It was odd. Most actors realized that they had a certain niche that they could fill. And he usually played knights, jocks - those sorts of characters. He had never expected this sort of role in his wildest daydreams - a narrator for a romance novel.

“Tooru Oikawa asked for you _personally._ Apparently he saw a commercial for a video game you were in, and had to have you.”

And that was that.

Iwaizumi tried to look on the bright side. Tooru Oikawa was a bestseller, and he had seen how many copies this book - _The Love Psychologist_ \- was expected to sell in Japan alone. His books had been translated into 17 different languages, including Icelandic. Tooru Oikawa had “created a new demand for Japan’s romance novels around the world”, and was “enjoyed by Prime Ministers and schoolgirls alike”.

He couldn’t understand it. Maybe he was the only person left with any sort of taste. But the money! Even if the book barely sold, he would be able to walk away with a vulgar amount of cash. He had already started thinking about the vacation he would take after his agent told him about the job. Maybe a fortnight in Hawaii, falling asleep on a beach and getting acquainted with the sea.

If Tooru Oikawa’s books could inspire such nice daydreams - well - were they really that bad?

 

* * *

 

Iwaizumi appeared early at the studio.

“Good morning!” And there was the author in-person, looking just as dazzling as he had appeared in the author’s photo at the back of his books. He had a smile that looked as if he were trying to sell Iwaizumi something on commission. Fake, fake, fake.

“Good morning,” said Iwaizumi. He would be polite. Oikawa’s books might be embarrassing, but there was no reason to be hostile, especially in the first meeting.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” said Oikawa. “I wanted you to read this book. I think you have the special touch that suits this book _perfectly_.”

“Oh,” said Iwaizumi. He still didn’t understand it.

“You match my idea of the psychologist so well! As he falls in love with one of the subjects in his research study about the effect of being single for too long…”

This sounded vaguely unethical to Iwaizumi, but he didn’t know anything about psychology or research studies in general. Maybe scientists were falling in love with their subjects everyday, uncaring about the way this would affect their research.

“He learns about the true meaning of love in a way that cannot be quantified by science,” said Oikawa, in a lofty voice, sounding like the man who narrated movie trailers.

“Ah,” said Iwaizumi. “Why does he fall in love with someone who’s been single for ages?”

“I’m starting to believe you didn’t even read the book beforehand,” said Oikawa, sniffing. “They’re single because they’re so busy and dedicated to their work. It takes over their life and they can’t find someone who understands their level of passion.”

“So, not because they’re some sort of undateable loser?”

“Some people would say you’re being very rude right now,” said Oikawa, in a sing-song voice. “But I believe this sort of blunt and honest attitude will be an asset! Especially when you’re doing the psychologist’s voice. Now, Iwa-chan -”

“A nickname already?”

“It wouldn’t do to be formal for too long, would it? I foresee a long future for both of us. Now, why don’t we begin by having you read the first chapter out loud, before we record it?”

 

* * *

 

Iwaizumi had issues with romance novels. Oh, it was all well and good to declare your eternal love in the face of an evil ex or co-worker - or an evil fellow scientist, in the case of _The Love Psychologist_ \- but what about when your partner tripped over their pants trying to go to the washroom at midnight? Or started crying because the barbecued meat was too spicy? Where were the declarations of eternal love then?

Nowhere, that was where.

“I think you’re just grumpy because you’re bitter,” said Matsukawa, after Iwaizumi had complained to him on the phone. This was after recording a chapter with writing that had been particularly sloppy.

“What do I have to be bitter about?”

“The strange direction your career is taking? Your bizarre love life? Who knows, maybe life’ll imitate art, and you’ll see your very own love psychologist?”

Iwaizumi groaned.

“I mean, you’ve done way worse stuff than this,” said Matsukawa. “Remember that those fast food commercials where you had to sing all those nursery rhymes? Or that low-budget harem anime that was cancelled after the fifth episode?”

“Don’t remind me,” said Iwaizumi.

“Those were way worse. At least with this, you have a good chance of impressing people.”

“Impressing who, exactly?”

“I don’t know, the Prime Minister of Iceland?”

Iwaizumi hung up.

He looked towards his desk. He had taken out _Only a Dentist_ from the library, just to see if all of Oikawa’s books were like - _that._ And they were. He had skimmed the book quickly.

The plot involved two dentists, working in enemy dental practises across the street. It ended with them getting married and opening their very own joint dental practise. It was about 400 pages long. Iwaizumi hadn’t read something that long since high school. And the dialogue - Iwaizumi felt embarrassed reading it in his head.

He could see the back of the book from where he stood. The picture of Oikawa on the back of the book mocked him. Iwaizumi could feel the evil intent radiating from it. Why was he so irritated by him? A small rectangle with Oikawa in black and white, smiling, glasses on. He looked almost scholarly - dignified, smart, dependable.

Iwaizumi wouldn’t fall for it.

 

* * *

 

There was a book-signing coming up. Both Oikawa and Matsukawa had badgered him to go.

“Go, it’ll be fun,” Matsukawa had said.

“Do you want me to sign books alone? That’ll be so boring! You’ll get to see all of my grateful fans!” Oikawa had said.

And so he had agreed.

Iwaizumi sat beside Oikawa, to the left of the bookstore’s entrance. It was one of the biggest in Miyagi. Iwaizumi was certain most of the customers coming in were there just to catch a glimpse Oikawa, who certainly seemed to enjoy the attention.

The morning began with his fans sidling up slowly, looking at the floor, and blushing as they handed their copies of _The Love Psychologist_ to Oikawa. Oikawa signed each one slowly, as if he had written the book especially for them, and handed it back with a smile. Iwaizumi ended up signing a few books - fans handed their books to him after Oikawa was done, apparently not caring who Iwaizumi was.

“Isn’t this fun, Iwa-chan?” asked Oikawa.

“I… guess?” Iwaizumi tapped his fingers against the desk. It was 5 PM; they had been here for hours, and Iwaizumi wanted to stand up and _stretch_.

“It’s almost dinner, you know,” said Oikawa. “We should go and eat. There’s a restaurant right by this bookstore, should we go? We could get curry.”

“And leave your adoring fans?”

“I’m sure they wouldn’t want me to starve.”

“I’m not really that hungry.”

“But - but - curry!”

“Is curry your favourite food or something?”

Oikawa frowned. “Curry is the meal the couple in _The Love Psychologist_ eats on their first date together. I thought you would have noticed what I was getting at, considering we recorded that book less than a week ago?”

Iwaizumi had forgotten.

“Is this how you ask people out?” he asked.

“I thought I was being subtle,” said Oikawa.

“I never thought I’d say this,” said Iwaizumi, “but maybe you should try being less subtle.”

Iwaizumi had to admit, though - Oikawa did have a gift for finding good restaurants.

 

* * *

 

Iwaizumi found out how Oikawa wrote. He would sit down, pound out two or three thousands words of complete dreck a day. When a chapter was finished, he would edit it mercilessly until he was satisfied with it.

Oikawa had also decided that Iwaizumi would be the perfect person to read over his chapters after he finished them. Out loud.

“It’s your official boyfriend duty,” said Oikawa, lounging on the sofa.

“You just enjoy torturing me,” said Iwaizumi.

“Why do you say such mean things?” asked Oikawa. “You know there’s plenty of people who would literally die for the privilege of reading one of my books before they hit the press.”

“You never take my advice.”

“You wanted me to cut out the piano scene! That was the best part!”

“I almost think you believe that,” said Iwaizumi, raising his eyebrows.

Oikawa stuck his tongue out.

“And then the plot twist, with the alien -”

“I’m exploring new territory.” said Oikawa. He tilted his head up. “Exploring real issues, involving the very real possibility of extraterrestrial -”

“You are so full of it. I think you just ran out of steam, so you decided to make it up -”

“I’ve been foreshadowing it _from the start_ -”

“Do you even know how you’re going to end it?”

“I do.”

“Tell me.”

Oikawa gasped, false shock. “Are you telling me you’re actually interested in how the story’s going to end?”

Iwaizumi was surprised too.

“You won’t find out until I finish it,” Oikawa said.

“You are way too smug for someone who’s been sitting in front of a computer all day.”

“I’m hard at work!”

“You should go for a walk before your ass rots off.”

“That makes no sense.”

“Come on,” said Iwaizumi. He had already pulled on his jacket. “This is for your _health._ ”

He already knew Oikawa was going to tell him the ending before they finished their walk, anyways.

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from jens lekman's [it was a strange time in my life.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euBAbwxF-e8)
> 
> just something silly i wrote to clear my mind while hashing out another story.
> 
> i'd love to hear your thoughts! thank you for reading.


End file.
